Not to sound trite, but I have often heard it said that it is the journey that matters more than the destination at times. Then others who say that getting there is more important than the how, ends justify the means kind of thing. Getting there is half the fun, yada, yada, yada. When I got married, my destination was parenthood. The journey turned out to be vastly different than that of what I envisioned it would be. I guess I figured it would be easy - it was not. I didn't expect it to take long, cost as much nor exact so much of my heart and soul and energy - mentally or physically. I eventually got to where I was going, and the trip there was certainly that - a trip, stumbling and all.
My father once told me when I was much younger than I am now, that his grandmother told him to live life with no regrets. I thought this sounded impossible. How do you live a life with no regrets? Surely, at some point along the way, you would do or say something you wished you hadn't. I can honestly say, I have never second guessed my path to parenthood, so at least in that regard, I do not have regrets. Oftentimes over the course of the years and struggles, I was frequently told to reconsider and asked why I kept trying so much and so hard. "Maybe you should quit." Lying down and quitting and saying "no more" just wasn't an option - at least not for that moment in time for me. That line that you lay down and say "I will not cross this - I go no further" is highly personal and impossible to just draw arbitrarily, particularly when it comes to trying to have a child. I will say this - if I had quit when I was told I should, or even when I myself thought that maybe I should, I would not have some of my biggest blessings. Yes, I could have spared myself a phenomenal amount of pain, trouble, effort, money - you name it. However, that I would have regretted - quitting when I had more fight left in me.
So, with this I begin a new journey, life after loss and infertility. No real destination in mind, no road map for the trip either. I guess for now, we'll just see where this takes us.