Saturday, February 7, 2009

After great pain a formal feeling comes --
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff heart questions -- was it he that bore?
And yesterday - - or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow--
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

-Emily Dickinson-

-All the things I might have known and all the things I might not have known because of them-
"The heart never forgets"

I use to sign my posts on spals with those words. I'm sure Loribeth remembers - she and the other baby lost mamas on spals held my hand a time or two during some dark and sad days, including this one seven years ago.

It's not an easy thing, to be mother to the unseen. To want to tell everyone that they existed and feeling like the only one who ever really, truly knows that. To be keeper of their memories, of an entire existance, brief, but real.

Thank you for remembering this day with me. For remembering the little beings who were. For getting it. For being here.

I've written of my little one before on this day - you can go here for the tale. It is long, wordy as typical for me, and raw. Just knowing you're here though, helps. It makes a difference.

~i~ Matthew Thomas February 8th, 2002 ~i~


Kristin said...

We will never forget him. {{{Hugs}}}

CLC said...

Thinking of you and Matthew.

Also, I have tagged you for an award. See my blog for details.

linsiloo said...

Your comment from Glow bought me here, it resonated so deeply with my heart I knew i had to follow, So please forgive me if this is an unwelcome intrusion.
Your sentiments about being a mother to the unseen so perfectly express how I too feel that I sit here nodding my head tears pouring down my face, I am here and I am reading your little ones tale and am thinking how right it is to remember and honour each and every precious angel.
I have yet to do that,
comments were made to me when I had my first loss that made me feel as if it were an abherration and of no significance, I sit here now and realise how it should have been and how it can be and for that i am grateful, so grateful.
Thinking of you and Matthew.

Mrs. Spit said...

I read Matthew's name, and I thought of Jesus' words to Thomas.

Blessed are they who have not seen and yet believed.


In heaven. Waiting for his mum.

loribeth said...

I do indeed remember. And I am thinking of you & Matthew today. (((hugs)))

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Remembering with you, sweetie.

B said...

Beautiful post. I like this "mother to the unseen"..... and, in a way, "unseen mother" as well.

I am sorry for the loss, and for the stony feeling that sets in at times. Looking back at the woman who wailed when her baby died, and wondering with hope and fear, if that part is still in you.

You and little Matthew will be in my thoughts.


Lynette said...

I love this poem-"the hour of lead" says it all for me. I read your story of Matthew Thomas-I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that and more. Thank you for sharing it - it does help to know that there are others who "get" it, who understand what it's like to lose a much loved and longed for baby in such a way.
Thinking of you,
lynette x

Cara said...

Two days late, but always remembering. Here's to you - and Matthew - Mother and Son, Always.


Searching said...

Always thinking of you and all your angels. *hugs*