Heavy heart. Not just my angel, but another's. A 3rd grader at my children's school was killed in a house fire yesterday along with his adult sister and 16 month old cousin. How do you explain what makes no sense when they ask why?
Pg #1 - 18 cycles, 6 on Clomid, 2 semenalysis - varicocele, 1 bouncing baby boy (csection) bladder trauma, post-op infection, 9 day hospital stay with catheter Pg#2- 1 cycle Clomid, mc 6.5 weeks Pg#3- 2 cycles Clomid, mc 12 weeks, intrauterine demise @ 10 weeks, d&c Pg #4 - 1 cycle, pg lasted 7.5 weeks - by this time in a tailspin of postpartum depression (PPD) and personal loathing. Started counseling, got rid of old doc and got a new one - added progesterone supplementation, Infertility workup Pg #5 - 3 cycles Clomid, 1 lovely baby girl born @33 weeks due to abrupting complete placenta previa after 2.5 week hospital stay on total bedrest, postpartum hemorrhage (csection) NICU baby 3 weeks, PICU 6 days a few months later for RSV Pg #6 - 1 cycle Clomid, ectopic pg ended at 8 weeks Pg #7- 1 cycle Clomid, loss of hb at 10 weeks, d&c, pathology showed genetically normal female but placental blood clot which could have led to demise; total infertility workup, chromosomal analysis, semenalysis, HSG and Saline Contrast U/S, referral to specialist - final dx: Hormonal Imbalance leading to Luteal Phase Defect, low progesterone and endometriosis Pg #8- 11 cycles Clomid at increasing doses to triple dose with HCG trigger shot and finally Follistim, 1 cycle, course of antibiotics, progesterone supplementation and aspirin therapy - 1 screaming, peeing baby boy born @36 weeks after major gall bladder attack set off labor and water broke, SCU 1 week PPD (Celexa) Pg#9 - 1 cycle Follistim, overstimmed, multiple ovarian cysts that started rupturing, 2 intrauterine sacs and one in right fallopian tube (heterotopic pg), threatened rupture/rupture at 6.5 weeks, laparoscopy for tubal- d&c for non-developing uterine pgs Pg#10 - 1 cycle Follistim following clear HSG, chemical pg ended 5.5 weeks Pg#11- 3 cycles Follistim, scheduled and scrapped AI due to poor ovarian response 3rd cycle which was also going to be absolute last, got pg anyway, progesterone/aspirin - 1 sweet baby girl @ 38 weeks (csection) Cholescystectomy 1 yr later to remove nasty gallbladder Pg #12 - Blow me down, I ovulated on my own! Confirmed pg at 8 weeks. Started progesterone and aspirin too late to really make a difference, but did it anyway - just in case. BIG baby boy at 38.5 weeks (csection) PPD (Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin) PG #13 - Surprise again - guess last one wasn't a fluke after all, confirmed at almost 11 weeks after a lot of denial, no progesterone, stuck with aspirin, bad asthma - totally amped on Albuterol most of pg, 1 stunningly beautiful boy on Valentine's Day @ 39.5 weeks (csection) bladder tore during delivery, catheter 9 days PPD (Zoloft)
Current: Recently dx-ed with Adenomyosis (endometrial tissue grown into uterine muscle wall) 6 month course Lupron, Total Abdominal Hysterectomy September 17th, 2008
Aberrant among even those who would be peers - I have been infertile and yet fertile; a mom and yet not a mom. I have children who fill my heart and home and angels who fill my dreams and fuel the misty eyed wonderings of what might have been.
My Angel Choir
Zach, Hannah, Aiden, Caelan, Carena, Matthew Thomas & Lilith "Lily"