Saturday, August 16, 2008
Show & Tell With Mel - August 17, 2008
When you've faced recurrent pregnancy loss, making the decision to try again isn't as simple as deciding "Hey, I think I'll try and get pregnant!" Throw in some fertility issues and the decision becomes more complicated - requiring much talking yourself into it and courage.
I collected my talismans - my objects of deeper meaning, assigning my hope to them - holding on to them because I could see them , touch them, hold them - using them as a base to draw strength and hope from.
The day I came across this plate I had recently lost my 5th baby, started a complete fertility workup for the second time and endured a painful and humiliating HSG. I was bruised, weary and in desperate need of hope.
I was not coping well and headed out in the car just to "get away". I needed some alone time - to drive, to think, to just get away. Why I decided to stop at a particular cluster of shops I can't say for sure. They were out of town, by themselves along the windy river road that I was on. There was a candy shop, a wine shop, restaurant, a Christmas shop and others. I wandered into the Christmas shop and began to feel even lower than I had before walking in there. Even though Christmas was months away - the store was decorated as if the holiday were right upon us. Brightly lit, sparkly, cheery - all the things I wasn't feeling. With a sigh I turned to leave when a "clearance" sign caught my eye and I stopped, something in me wanting to look and most of me just wanting to leave. I started toward the exit again and something steered me back towards the little room they had set up with all their clearance items. I figured "why not?" and gave up fighting. Sitting amidst the Santas and snowmen and reindeer was this plate - set up on its box a bit above the rest of the reduced price Christmas flotsam and jetsam. Somewhat curious, I picked it up with a thought that it was somewhat pretty, then noticed around the edges there were five little angels - just like my five little angels at the time. The thought made me sad so I moved to put the plate back in its spot and just as I began to set it back into its holder, noticed that the woman in the middle held a baby in her arms. This was my hope - that I would have a baby to hold in my arms. I took the plate home with me and it sat in our bookcase year round. I went through thirteen months of solid fertility drugs - Clomid, more and more Clomid, and finally Follistim, before conceiving again. The pregnancy was a struggle and more than once I wondered if I would have a baby in my arms or another angel. In the end though - even though he was only 36 weeks and dealing with a bit of lung immaturity, I held that baby, and after a week in the SCU, I got to bring him home.
Now, I know that it is a Christmas plate and who the woman and the baby in her arms is supposed to represent. I am sure the artist who created this plate never intended nor expected that someone would find a different meaning. Then again, Christmas is supposed to be about hope.
For more of this weekend's Circle Time Show & Tell with Mel - see here.