Saturday, August 16, 2008

Show & Tell With Mel - August 17, 2008

When you've faced recurrent pregnancy loss, making the decision to try again isn't as simple as deciding "Hey, I think I'll try and get pregnant!" Throw in some fertility issues and the decision becomes more complicated - requiring much talking yourself into it and courage.

I collected my talismans - my objects of deeper meaning, assigning my hope to them - holding on to them because I could see them , touch them, hold them - using them as a base to draw strength and hope from.

The day I came across this plate I had recently lost my 5th baby, started a complete fertility workup for the second time and endured a painful and humiliating HSG. I was bruised, weary and in desperate need of hope.

I was not coping well and headed out in the car just to "get away". I needed some alone time - to drive, to think, to just get away. Why I decided to stop at a particular cluster of shops I can't say for sure. They were out of town, by themselves along the windy river road that I was on. There was a candy shop, a wine shop, restaurant, a Christmas shop and others. I wandered into the Christmas shop and began to feel even lower than I had before walking in there. Even though Christmas was months away - the store was decorated as if the holiday were right upon us. Brightly lit, sparkly, cheery - all the things I wasn't feeling. With a sigh I turned to leave when a "clearance" sign caught my eye and I stopped, something in me wanting to look and most of me just wanting to leave. I started toward the exit again and something steered me back towards the little room they had set up with all their clearance items. I figured "why not?" and gave up fighting. Sitting amidst the Santas and snowmen and reindeer was this plate - set up on its box a bit above the rest of the reduced price Christmas flotsam and jetsam. Somewhat curious, I picked it up with a thought that it was somewhat pretty, then noticed around the edges there were five little angels - just like my five little angels at the time. The thought made me sad so I moved to put the plate back in its spot and just as I began to set it back into its holder, noticed that the woman in the middle held a baby in her arms. This was my hope - that I would have a baby to hold in my arms. I took the plate home with me and it sat in our bookcase year round. I went through thirteen months of solid fertility drugs - Clomid, more and more Clomid, and finally Follistim, before conceiving again. The pregnancy was a struggle and more than once I wondered if I would have a baby in my arms or another angel. In the end though - even though he was only 36 weeks and dealing with a bit of lung immaturity, I held that baby, and after a week in the SCU, I got to bring him home.

Now, I know that it is a Christmas plate and who the woman and the baby in her arms is supposed to represent. I am sure the artist who created this plate never intended nor expected that someone would find a different meaning. Then again, Christmas is supposed to be about hope.

For more of this weekend's Circle Time Show & Tell with Mel - see here.


Kristin said...

What a beautiful story Julia. One of my items of hope was a quilt some friends gave me that commemorated my angels and it was done in beautiful soft baby colors so I could wrap my next baby in it.

Cassandra said...

That is an incredible story. It is wonderful to think of your angels watching over you and your son.

Thanks for your comment. Even if the extra bits look fun, they are sharp shards of pottery surrounded by broken glass, so it's not very useful.

chicklet said...

I think it's all about what you see in the meaning, not what's meant to be. I'm with the others that that was a really great story.

AnotherDreamer said...

What a beautiful story. I think that just because something was made to mean one thing, it doesn't mean we can't each get our own meaning from it. And this plate was it for you.

Thank you for sharing this.

battynurse said...

What a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.

Murgdan said...

Awww. What a great story...thanks for sharing that.

MrsSpock said...

I have a few items around the house too that serve as my "focus" when it comes to TTC.

Arian said...

That is a beautiful plate and a wonderful story too! I think things like that are sometimes put into our paths to help us along.

Martha said...

What a lovely plate and story. You are incredible and strong. I send my best and thanks for sharing. Also thank you for stopping by my blog.

Topcat said...

That's a wonderful story, thank you for sharing it. You certainly have been through a lot ... I was looking at your other blog, and your kids are BEAUTIFUL!!

Love to you. xox

dark_one said...

My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem

Clomid Prescription Medication