Yesterday I hit the 6 month anniversary of my hysterectomy.
Sometimes I think they removed my creativity along with my uterus. (Either that or my muse. Perhaps there is a great deal more tied up in that particular organ than I previously surmised . . . hmmmm.) Trying to write, and write like I remember being able to, is not coming as easily as it once did.
Anyway - no more pain, or rather significantly less pain, is definitely good. No more hemorrhaging monthly, anemia or extreme pms - even better.
So, I'm glad I had it done. For me it was the right thing to do at the right time. Yes, there are moments now and then (like yesterday - those baby showers can still trip me up a bit), for the most part however, it's okay. I'm okay.
And that's the best I can come up with on a literary front - I'm okay. No Pulitzer contention there I tell you.
(Like I said - creation, creativity, it does make you wonder . . .)
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An Awareness Consortium of Compassionate Bloggers
Zach, Hannah, Aiden, Caelan, Carena, Matthew Thomas & Lilith "Lily"
Remembrance Day October 15th
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2009 Creme de la Creme
2008 Creme de la Creme
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An Awareness Consortium of Compassionate Bloggers
The Breakdown:
Pg #1 - 18 cycles, 6 on Clomid, 2 semenalysis - varicocele, 1 bouncing baby boy (csection) bladder trauma, post-op infection, 9 day hospital stay with catheter
Pg#2 - 1 cycle Clomid, mc 6.5 weeks
Pg#3- 2 cycles Clomid, mc 12 weeks, intrauterine demise @ 10 weeks, d&c
Pg #4 - 1 cycle, pg lasted 7.5 weeks - by this time in a tailspin of postpartum depression (PPD) and personal loathing. Started counseling, got rid of old doc and got a new one - added progesterone supplementation, Infertility workup
Pg #5 - 3 cycles Clomid, 1 lovely baby girl born @33 weeks due to abrupting complete placenta previa after 2.5 week hospital stay on total bedrest, postpartum hemorrhage (csection) NICU baby 3 weeks, PICU 6 days a few months later for RSV
Pg #6 - 1 cycle Clomid, ectopic pg ended at 8 weeks
Pg #7- 1 cycle Clomid, loss of hb at 10 weeks, d&c, pathology showed genetically normal female but placental blood clot which could have led to demise; total infertility workup, chromosomal analysis, semenalysis, HSG and Saline Contrast U/S, referral to specialist - final dx: Hormonal Imbalance leading to Luteal Phase Defect, low progesterone and endometriosis
Pg #8- 11 cycles Clomid at increasing doses to triple dose with
HCG trigger shot and finally Follistim, 1 cycle, course of antibiotics, progesterone supplementation and aspirin therapy - 1 screaming, peeing baby boy born @36 weeks after major gall bladder attack set off labor and water broke, SCU 1 week
PPD (Celexa)
Pg#9 - 1 cycle Follistim, overstimmed, multiple ovarian cysts
that started rupturing, 2 intrauterine sacs and one in right fallopian tube (heterotopic pg), threatened rupture/rupture at 6.5 weeks, laparoscopy for tubal- d&c for non-developing uterine pgs
Pg#10 - 1 cycle Follistim following clear HSG, chemical pg ended 5.5 weeks
Pg#11- 3 cycles Follistim, scheduled and scrapped AI due to poor ovarian response 3rd cycle which was also going to be absolute last, got pg anyway, progesterone/aspirin - 1 sweet baby girl @ 38 weeks (csection)
Cholescystectomy 1 yr later to remove nasty gallbladder
Pg #12 - Blow me down, I ovulated on my own! Confirmed pg at 8 weeks. Started progesterone and aspirin too late to really make a difference, but did it anyway - just in case. BIG baby boy at 38.5 weeks (csection)
PPD (Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin)
PG #13 - Surprise again - guess last one wasn't a fluke after all, confirmed at almost 11 weeks after a lot of denial, no progesterone, stuck with aspirin, bad asthma - totally amped on Albuterol most of pg, 1 stunningly beautiful boy on Valentine's Day @ 39.5 weeks (csection) bladder tore during delivery, catheter 9 days
PPD (Zoloft)
Current: Recently dx-ed with Adenomyosis (endometrial
tissue grown into uterine muscle wall) 6 month course Lupron, Total Abdominal Hysterectomy September 17th, 2008
What I did for love . . .
and The Beginning . . .
Pg#2 - 1 cycle Clomid, mc 6.5 weeks
Pg#3- 2 cycles Clomid, mc 12 weeks, intrauterine demise @ 10 weeks, d&c
Pg #4 - 1 cycle, pg lasted 7.5 weeks - by this time in a tailspin of postpartum depression (PPD) and personal loathing. Started counseling, got rid of old doc and got a new one - added progesterone supplementation, Infertility workup
Pg #5 - 3 cycles Clomid, 1 lovely baby girl born @33 weeks due to abrupting complete placenta previa after 2.5 week hospital stay on total bedrest, postpartum hemorrhage (csection) NICU baby 3 weeks, PICU 6 days a few months later for RSV
Pg #6 - 1 cycle Clomid, ectopic pg ended at 8 weeks
Pg #7- 1 cycle Clomid, loss of hb at 10 weeks, d&c, pathology showed genetically normal female but placental blood clot which could have led to demise; total infertility workup, chromosomal analysis, semenalysis, HSG and Saline Contrast U/S, referral to specialist - final dx: Hormonal Imbalance leading to Luteal Phase Defect, low progesterone and endometriosis
Pg #8- 11 cycles Clomid at increasing doses to triple dose with
HCG trigger shot and finally Follistim, 1 cycle, course of antibiotics, progesterone supplementation and aspirin therapy - 1 screaming, peeing baby boy born @36 weeks after major gall bladder attack set off labor and water broke, SCU 1 week
PPD (Celexa)
Pg#9 - 1 cycle Follistim, overstimmed, multiple ovarian cysts
that started rupturing, 2 intrauterine sacs and one in right fallopian tube (heterotopic pg), threatened rupture/rupture at 6.5 weeks, laparoscopy for tubal- d&c for non-developing uterine pgs
Pg#10 - 1 cycle Follistim following clear HSG, chemical pg ended 5.5 weeks
Pg#11- 3 cycles Follistim, scheduled and scrapped AI due to poor ovarian response 3rd cycle which was also going to be absolute last, got pg anyway, progesterone/aspirin - 1 sweet baby girl @ 38 weeks (csection)
Cholescystectomy 1 yr later to remove nasty gallbladder
Pg #12 - Blow me down, I ovulated on my own! Confirmed pg at 8 weeks. Started progesterone and aspirin too late to really make a difference, but did it anyway - just in case. BIG baby boy at 38.5 weeks (csection)
PPD (Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin)
PG #13 - Surprise again - guess last one wasn't a fluke after all, confirmed at almost 11 weeks after a lot of denial, no progesterone, stuck with aspirin, bad asthma - totally amped on Albuterol most of pg, 1 stunningly beautiful boy on Valentine's Day @ 39.5 weeks (csection) bladder tore during delivery, catheter 9 days
PPD (Zoloft)
Current: Recently dx-ed with Adenomyosis (endometrial
tissue grown into uterine muscle wall) 6 month course Lupron, Total Abdominal Hysterectomy September 17th, 2008
What I did for love . . .
and The Beginning . . .
Aberrant among even those who would be peers - I have been infertile and yet fertile; a mom and yet not a mom. I have children who fill my heart and home and angels who fill my dreams and fuel the misty eyed wonderings of what might have been.
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Zach, Hannah, Aiden, Caelan, Carena, Matthew Thomas & Lilith "Lily"
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- "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories." Lord Rochester
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7 comments:
I've been my most creative when I was the most depressed. As soon as things seem to reach some sort of resolution or tranquility...I can no longer string words together.
Glad to "hear" from you JuliaS. No need to worry about your creativity here!! I'll keep reading no matter what.
It did occur to me that you haven't posted much lately. So long as you are OK...!! I go through dry spells with writing too (as you well know...!). As CLC says, I will be reading, not matter what you write. : )
Glad to hear you are no longer in pain and that you have come to terms with your decision. When I was about to deliver my preemie twins the OB asked me if I wanted my tubes tied - I was so pissed. "NO," I responded. I didn't want to have to prevent my body from the possibilities...so I can understand how baby showers still get to you.
Keep writing, the creativity will all come back in time.
It will come back to you. I'm glad the pain is better but I can understand how things like the baby showers might affect you.
I think I get most creative when things aren't going so good.
Glad that in hindsight it feels like a good decision.
One day you will retrieve what drove you to such great writing
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