Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I've been through the various stages of grief numerous times and eventually I ended up with acceptance. Acceptance that in my life's history there are just some things that were tragic and awful and really really painful on all levels and that I did not know how or if I could survive. Acceptance that despite how much sometimes it hurt, I could still go on living. Could laugh again and smile again - and that it was okay to laugh and smile again. Still, despite all that acceptance and time, I find myself wondering at times what she would have been like. What it would have been like to have never lost the sight or sound of her heartbeat. Wonder how differently life would be today if only . . .
For my Carena whom I will not know in this life, but hopefully in the next, and remembering always with love, another little girl and her mother, with whom we share this bittersweet bond of little girl lost . . .
August 7, 1998