Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Consider the Lilies
Lily - there isn't much to say. You were my last angel, my briefest encounter. My doctor said perhaps you were just a late bloomer - and for a time I clung to that image. Twice weekly blood draws showed beta hcgs that were somewhat low, rising - but not quite doubling. Close - so close, but not quite there. At first I blamed myself - I should have given my body more time to heal following the heterotopic pregnancy - to be ready for you. I had overstimulated, developed cysts and conceived 3 tiny embryos - 2 intrauterine, one in my right tube and lost them all one bloody horrific night. I think I jumped the gun a bit after the follow up HSG showed free flowing swirling dye and I was given the "all clear" - it had only been 5, almost 6 weeks following surgery - weeks that had been hard, physically and emotionally. We started follistim shots that same day and had conceived - you. I think I knew - I am pretty certain I knew all along the time would be brief. While others said "all is not lost - yet", I found peace. With you I found peace and the quiet acceptance that this was how pregnancy often went for me, and how this one would be. Perhaps too, in some measure, relief that this time would not be as traumatic as the last because you slipped so quietly in and out of our lives. I would have been thrilled to find myself in the full bloom of pregnancy with you, but knew that trying to hold on to you would be like trying to gather an armful of mist. In a fit of Spring and melancholy - I named you "Lily", for my favorite flower - for my Easter gift. There was no other name that seemed right for you - you were always and will be . . .