Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Little Red Sports Car with a Bottle of Clairol on the Side, Please!

Yes, I know things have been rather dull around this here blog. I seem to be overcome with a big case of the "blahs". One would think I should have plenty of things to talk about - having a hysterectomy and turning 40 shortly thereafter, both topics ripe for plenty of introspection, retrospection - some kind of 'spection. Alas, I am falling short of any thing remotely brilliant. Then, I read some magnificent posts by others in the blogosphere and begin to feel woefully inadequate. (Mel, the great Stirrup Queen herself, with "Tertiary Mourning", Mrs. Spit - who is always brilliant and witty, my dear friend Loribeth who always finds the best articles on topic - the list would go on and on - and even in the comments sections of various blogs, some amazing and profound minds at work - truly very humbling.)

Oh, I have plenty of things stewing around in my brain - many of which I think would make excellent topics for a blog post. Sit down at the keyboard and poof! Fabulous topic vanishes. While I remember well my anatomy and physiology, I can't help but wonder if removal of my uterus somehow severed some connection my brain required for capable thought output? Maybe it is Holidayitis, and the 'sturm und drang' of the season is causing my current state of befuddlement. Maybe, and this may likely be the true culprit, I am just still trying to sort myself out. Most of the time I am alright with the whole surgery-I-am-absolutely-completely-infertile-now thing and other times I find myself thinking "holy ovaries - what just happened to me??!" I don't feel different, but then again, I really, really do feel different. There was before, during and now after. Before I know, during I know well too - this after thing - wayyyyyyyyyyy more daunting than it sounds. I have no idea what to expect, where I fit in - the devil you know right? Because this devil I don't know and, what if I do the after, well, you know, wrong, because I don't know how to do it? Permanence is also a very scary thing - this cannot be undone, so no going back. Truly, I am pretty certain I don't want to go back. I did the infertility and loss thing for 15 years and that is plenty of ttc, fertility drugs, tests, miscarriages and all the rest for a lifetime, definitely! Then it hits me, I always expected the "after" thing to be when I was older, so now that we're here at after, I must be old. And maybe that is what this is all about - accepting that I am getting older and I've reached that age that my 20-something self considered no longer "young". That younger me didn't think 40 was incredibly old, but definitely considered it not young. So, enter in midlife crisis. For now, I am plucking at the gray hairs that are cropping up (inexplicably kinky, curly gray hairs in my black, stick straight too thin hair already) and hoping that this time next year, I will have sorted through all the flotsam and jetsam of the 40, hysterectomied and finding myself after the younger me era, and be back to my normal brilliant self (feel free to snort right along with me) or at the very least, feel a bit more steady on my feet again.


loribeth said...

Move on over, I'll join you in that little red sportscar (matter of fact, I think I was here first, lol). For me, the flood of 20-somethings into an office where I'd always been one of the younger people, or at least a peer to most of my colleagues, was what really started me feeling like I was getting old. I guess the 40s will do that to you. :p At the same time, as you said, there are certain parts of my 20s & 30s that I really would not care to relive (going through it once was definitely enough!!).

I've been feeling rather scattered myself lately, but I do think the holiday rush has a lot to do with it. (((HUGS))) & I hope you're feeling more like yourself again soon!

Kelly said...

I'm approaching 40 quicker than I would like so I totally get your perspective. Also the permanence of your surgery is understandably upsetting...even if you don't want any more kids.

When my twins were born the Ob/gyn asked me if I wanted my tubes tied. I guess he thought 30 weeker twins was reason enough to keep me from getting pregnant again. I refused. My husband's sterile so there was no need. I didn't want the permanence of the procedure. I wanted the "option" just in-case.

My thoughts are with you.

CLC said...

Good to hear from you Julia! It seems like everything you wrote makes sense and all are good reason for why you would feel out of sorts. It's hard growing older, especially if you don't feel old, but you are at an age that you know you used to perceive as old. For the record, I don't think of 40as old (anymore) but then I am not too far away myself.

areyoukiddingme said...

I am still in denial. Age is such a difficult concept for me to internalize. I look younger than I am, but I've had the gray hair coming in since I was 25. I feel old physically sometimes, but that is just because I feel my body where before I never did. My mental age varies, but is mostly far less mature than my age of almost 40 should suggest. I don't fear getting old in years, but I don't want to age. You're not alone - but can you make my little red sports car a convertible? Then I can call those gray hairs my blonde highlights!

Just Me. said...

I've had grey hair since I was 12!!! Hmmm.... I haven't hit my 40s yet but I think I would pretty soon..I hope by the time I hit my 40s, I'll feel like I'm in my 20s..Hard to say cuz I'll be looking at my boobs and going..THOSE AREN'T 20S-LOOKING BOOBIES!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way..huge hugs coming your way...HUGE.


Meg said...

Those grey hairs are winning the battle. I hate the idea of having to color my hair because I love my hair and don't want to imagine it any other shade. This getting older thing is so odd. I certainly don't feel my age but it's tough to realize that I'm not so much young anymore.

Thanks for the link to that recipe!