Seemed like such a simple task - provide child one with a sibling. Now that we had things figured out - or so we thought, getting pregnant again should not be so difficult, right? Well - getting pregnant again actually wasn't so hard this time - one cycle of clomid was all it took and I was staring at my second positive pregnancy test just when child one turned one. Mostly I was concerned I would be horribly sick again, the first week started off only mildly queasy. The second week after the positive test was the same. Halfway into the third week - disaster struck. No queasiness, but a low crampy ache that wouldn't let up. You know that miscarriages happen - you know that sometimes a pregnancy starts and doesn't end the right way. I had friends who had miscarriages. Somehow I guess I figured that having to take fertility drugs to conceive somehow gave me a pass on this - couldn't have more bad luck right? I knew that most women would experience at least one miscarriage over the course of their life - still this did not prepare me. Knowing it happens and then having to face it happening to you are two different things. There are no handbooks, no "how to" guides for having and coping with the loss of a pregnancy. Any of the help given by your health care provider will follow more along the lines of practical care meant to safeguard you from any complications. My personal opinion is - the miscarriage is already a complication. My doctor at the time was not completely convinced I was having a miscarriage initially. (Well if he was going to see me before 10 weeks he would have been able to verify it for himself) At the office he essentially told me to treat it like a "hard period" and not worry about it. Gave me the usual list of watch-for's and sent me on my way. At home I was stumped. I had no idea how to act, how to feel, how to grieve or even if I should/could grieve. So, being a bit of a pragmatist, I decided that these things happen and life goes on and I would simply get pregnant again (ha ha - right; though at the time, I thought I had all the answers or at least knew the "trick"). I had my one statistical miscarriage and so it wouldn't happen again. There was however, an ache in my heart - the tiniest handprint of something that I couldn't quite place a finger on and I could never fully wipe away.
Pg #1 - 18 cycles, 6 on Clomid, 2 semenalysis - varicocele, 1 bouncing baby boy (csection) bladder trauma, post-op infection, 9 day hospital stay with catheter Pg#2- 1 cycle Clomid, mc 6.5 weeks Pg#3- 2 cycles Clomid, mc 12 weeks, intrauterine demise @ 10 weeks, d&c Pg #4 - 1 cycle, pg lasted 7.5 weeks - by this time in a tailspin of postpartum depression (PPD) and personal loathing. Started counseling, got rid of old doc and got a new one - added progesterone supplementation, Infertility workup Pg #5 - 3 cycles Clomid, 1 lovely baby girl born @33 weeks due to abrupting complete placenta previa after 2.5 week hospital stay on total bedrest, postpartum hemorrhage (csection) NICU baby 3 weeks, PICU 6 days a few months later for RSV Pg #6 - 1 cycle Clomid, ectopic pg ended at 8 weeks Pg #7- 1 cycle Clomid, loss of hb at 10 weeks, d&c, pathology showed genetically normal female but placental blood clot which could have led to demise; total infertility workup, chromosomal analysis, semenalysis, HSG and Saline Contrast U/S, referral to specialist - final dx: Hormonal Imbalance leading to Luteal Phase Defect, low progesterone and endometriosis Pg #8- 11 cycles Clomid at increasing doses to triple dose with HCG trigger shot and finally Follistim, 1 cycle, course of antibiotics, progesterone supplementation and aspirin therapy - 1 screaming, peeing baby boy born @36 weeks after major gall bladder attack set off labor and water broke, SCU 1 week PPD (Celexa) Pg#9 - 1 cycle Follistim, overstimmed, multiple ovarian cysts that started rupturing, 2 intrauterine sacs and one in right fallopian tube (heterotopic pg), threatened rupture/rupture at 6.5 weeks, laparoscopy for tubal- d&c for non-developing uterine pgs Pg#10 - 1 cycle Follistim following clear HSG, chemical pg ended 5.5 weeks Pg#11- 3 cycles Follistim, scheduled and scrapped AI due to poor ovarian response 3rd cycle which was also going to be absolute last, got pg anyway, progesterone/aspirin - 1 sweet baby girl @ 38 weeks (csection) Cholescystectomy 1 yr later to remove nasty gallbladder Pg #12 - Blow me down, I ovulated on my own! Confirmed pg at 8 weeks. Started progesterone and aspirin too late to really make a difference, but did it anyway - just in case. BIG baby boy at 38.5 weeks (csection) PPD (Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin) PG #13 - Surprise again - guess last one wasn't a fluke after all, confirmed at almost 11 weeks after a lot of denial, no progesterone, stuck with aspirin, bad asthma - totally amped on Albuterol most of pg, 1 stunningly beautiful boy on Valentine's Day @ 39.5 weeks (csection) bladder tore during delivery, catheter 9 days PPD (Zoloft)
Current: Recently dx-ed with Adenomyosis (endometrial tissue grown into uterine muscle wall) 6 month course Lupron, Total Abdominal Hysterectomy September 17th, 2008
Aberrant among even those who would be peers - I have been infertile and yet fertile; a mom and yet not a mom. I have children who fill my heart and home and angels who fill my dreams and fuel the misty eyed wonderings of what might have been.
My Angel Choir
Zach, Hannah, Aiden, Caelan, Carena, Matthew Thomas & Lilith "Lily"